Top Ten: Manda Bday Adventures

Okay. I know it's not Tuesday. I'm breaking precedent here, but since I wrote this on Thursday and Thursday starts with a "T" too, I thought I could get away with it. Maybe it needs to be Th-op Th-en Th-ursday?... It'll just sound like I have a speech impediment. No big deal since I look like I should have one anyways.

As I mentioned before, Manda's mother Carol, aunt Rhonda and cousin Jessie were in town for her birthday. You might be wondering how I survived 4 days and 3 nights with four women from Alabama? Simple. I developed a southern accent and tried to fit in amongst the foreigners. :o)

Actually, Manda's family is a riot. When asked what Carol wanted to do when she was here, she had two answers: see Menopause the Musical and meet our friends. Here's the run down on the fun we had:

10. Staying up late, eating home made peanut butter cake, talking "girl talk". It reminded me of my college days when my roommates used to sit eating a gallon of ice cream exclaiming "I'm so fat!"... only to utter "why don't any of the guys like me?!" a few minutes later. Classic good times right there.

9. Trekking to Scottsdale to attend "Menopause the Musical". I learned a lot about "the change" as they called it. It was hilarious until it got awkward. Turns out this musical has a naughty side. More about that later.

8. Driving to the summit of South Mountain. I almost drove off the rode several times due to the scenery. Luckily, everyone's screams brought me back to reality in time to steer back onto the road. We took the puppies too. Garrison wore his brand new backpack. Not five minutes after we got out of the car, he lifted his leg and peed all over the side of it. Fantastic.



7. Introducing Manda's family to "the boys" (Stoney and Tony). By the end of the evening the boys were receiving far more attention than Manda and I. What is it with straight women and gay men!?

6. Carol wanted to go dancing. When asked where she wanted to go, she replied "where you guys normally go." Okay, one lesbian bar coming up. This resulted in Carol, wide-eyed and smiling, dancing her butt off in a lesbian bar. When question about her wide-eyed-ness, she responded. "I have led a sheltered life. This is all very new to me. But I am having a great time."

5. Having dinner with 6 of our closest friends at one of our favorite restaurants (Sam's Cafe). Not only was dinner good, but the company was better. Plus, dessert was comped. Being the cheap bastard that I am, that alone made all the planning worth while.

Stoney and Tony are missing from this picture. But in their place is a large pillar. I have no clue why we're all cuddle around that thing like it's freaking Santa Claus.

4. Watching Carol drink 6 margaritas. Then when my back was turned, having her stab me in the butt with a fork and exclaim "I forked you!". Really. What does one say to something like that? "Thank you" doesn't seem adequate. In the heat of the moment, all I could think to say was: "Why, yes you did." ( A side note: I used to think I was smooth. But I am finding more and more evidence that I'm really not.)

3. Taking Manda's family to a gay country western bar and watching Carol, Rhonda and Jessie's eyes light up at all the attractive men. Then watching their eyes dim when they realized they were all gay. One of them muttered: "what a waste."

2. Getting to the naughty part of Menopause the Musical. Somewhere towards the end, the topic turned to sex... or the lack there of. The actresses exclaimed "what you need is mommy's real little helper", then started singing a version of "Good vibrations" which included lyrics like "She's needing some good vibrations... ". Then came a version of Tina Turner's song What's Love Got To Do With it... only the lyrics included: "Who needs romancing for your own private dancing..." I managed to avoid all eye contact with Manda's mother during this portion of the entertainment. After the show, Carol kept saying "I don't think you liked it... I didn't see you laughing very much."... yeah. Cuz it got really awkward in some parts.

1. Witnessing Carol meet her first drag queen. Then witnessing her feel the drag queen up. Then listening to her say "her boobs might look real, but they're not" for the next 3 hours.



To summarize: Manda's family came, Manda got older, Manda's family left. Somewhere in the middle a great time was had by all. For more photos, visit our picasa.

Peace Out.
:o)

Scissors are Dangerous...

Remember the warning we received numerous times as children? Don't run with scissors. My opinion? The warning should have been more elaborate. Running with scissors isn't the only activity in which these seemingly innocuous objects are dangerous.

Manda's family came to visit this past weekend, so we spent most of last week cleaning the house. Part of cleaning the house included shredding all the junk mail in the office. Of course this includes those stupid fake credit cards they send with your name on them. These little bundles of joy won't go through my pansy shredder. This is where the scissors come in. They needed to be cut up. I was prepared for this task with my shiny new scissors.

Manda was manning the shredder and handing me the pieces of plastic as she discovered them. My job was simple. Hold the little bastards over the trash can and cut them up. Like I said simple.

Now. I wasn't a scissor virgin. I'd used them before. I would even go as far as to call myself an experienced scissor user. I know which finger goes in which hole. I even have decent forearm strength for those long cutting sessions. Not bragging. I'm just stating the facts.

Manda and I were engaging in polite but loud conversation over the grinding shredder. Everything was fine until my A.D.D. kicked in and I took a mental vacation. This lovely vacation was cut violently short when the scissors entered the end of my finger.

Now when I say "entered my finger", what I really mean is: they stopped in, said hello and then took part of my finger with them when they left.

I was shocked at the sensation, or pain if you will. I paused to ask myself, "did I just do what I think I did?". Yes I did. I didn't dare look at my finger. Everyone knows looking only increasing the pain. Instead I grabbed my hand and made a beeline for the bathroom. I yelled "damn it" continually.

Now Manda, having seen my face as the scissors stopped in to say hi, knew I'd hurt myself. This was only confirmed by my repetitive chanting of "damn it". Now we've been together long enough, that when one of us hurts ourselves, the other person doesn't freak out. It's more like "*sigh* what trouble did you manage to get yourself in now?". So, she called out to me a few times. When all I would say was "damn it", she decided to come check on me.

I had my hand under the running water. My head was on the front of the sink. I was still unable to look at what I did for fear my entire finger would be gone (a little dramatic I know, but that's what it felt like). At this point, I'd added a word to my two word vocabulary. I was now exclaiming "damn it. Ouch." I believe my foot was also tapping the floor rather vigorously.

After many attempts I finally allowed Manda to look at my finger. Her reaction didn't help matters. "Oh baby. That's bad." Gee. Thanks.

I finally mustered up the guts to lift my head from the sink and saw all the blood in the sink. Now, if I was queezy this is where I would have vomited and passed out. Outside of my period, I don't think I've ever bled this much.

An hour later, after many gallons of water, several feet of paper towels and Manda finding the missing piece of my finger in the trash, the bleeding slowed and we were able to wrap it in gauze.


Now, the next day I learned that not all gauze is created equal. While attempting to change the bandage I discovered the importance of the phrase "non stick". After an hour of soaking my finger in hot water and hydrogen peroxide, we were unable to remove the gauze from the wound. It had decided to become part of the healing process. I was left with only one option. I had to rip the gauze out of the end of my finger.

Yes. I cried. Yes. It bled. Yes. I said "damn it" a few dozen times.

We promptly went to Walgreens and purchased the appropriate non-stick gear.

So. This experience taught me a few things.
1. I need supervision when using scissors.
2. "damn it" is a great pain reliever.
3. "non-stick" is important for more than just pots and pans.

Peace Out.
:o)

PS. Because of the splint on my finger (the splint is to prevent me from continually re-opening the wound. I had a problem with this.), this took almost two hours to type. Talk about effort.

Pee Dance...

I forget to pee. I forget to pee a lot. To me it's like stopping to fill your car with gas. It's a waste of time.

Just because I forget to pee, doesn't mean I don't have to go. In fact, I can be doing the pee dance one minute and then my A.D.D. kicks in and I completely forget about it. And what's even better is my bladder seems to forget as well. Who knew A.D.D. was a full body thing? It works out really well. Especially during those long lung transplant surgeries.

That is until my A.D.D. wanes and I suddenly have to pee again. This results in me suddenly resuming my panicky pee dance. I admit to using methods such as crotch grabbing and leg crossing to ease the urge. I find making noises helps as well. I'm just saying.

This cycle can go on all day. And I literally mean all day. There are days I pee when I get up, But I don't go again until I get home from work... sometimes 7 or 8pm.

While I realize this is hell on my kidneys and bladder, I really can't help it. A.D.D. is A.D.D. I really do forget. Manda just shakes her head at me. She's given up on solving this problem.

I have a good buddy at work. We socialize on the weekends sometimes. Thus she is very aware of my problem of forgetting to pee. She came up with a comical solution to my problem.

She sent me a meeting request for 3:30pm every day. The title of this meeting request? "Go Pee!". The location of this meeting? "Whatever restroom is closest".

I usually giggle a little and hit dismiss every time the reminder for the "meeting" pops up. (We've never actually met in the nearest restroom at 3:30. That might be a little weird. I don't like hearing my friends pee. I always feel awkward, like I'm seeing them naked. Plus, I don't want to know if they're somebody who farts while they pee. Seriously. *shivers*)

I never really thought about deleting the meeting as I think it's hilarious.

Well a few days ago, I was having problems with my computer at work. So, naturally I contact the IT guy. (what does a lung surgeon know about computers?... psssh. ) Him and I are cordial, but by no means friends. So, while we're chatting on the phone, he says "let me remote into your laptop and try to fix your issue." Sure, why not.

Well, he'd been working in my computer for 15 minutes or so when the meeting reminder pops up. Yep, right in the middle of my computer screen it says: "Go Pee!!!!!!!!!", with that clever location of "Whatever restroom is closest." right underneath it.

I freeze because there is no way he doesn't see the pop up, plus he has control of my computer.

He goes silent on the phone. I'm silent because I'm not sure whether I should acknowledge what is on the screen or perhaps feign ignorance as to how that got on my calendar. Something like "This must be a mistake, I don't need reminders to pee..."

I decide to say nothing and try to get it off the screen. Not sure if my mouse works, I grab it and try clicking "dismiss" on the meeting reminder.

And I'm actually not sure who hit dismiss. I think I did, but after the meeting request disappeared, he kept working like he'd never seen it.

There are probably rumors going around about how I wear adult diapers because I have problems peeing. Or that this coworker and I meeting every afternoon in the restroom to pee together. Which really, all things considered, these are pretty tame rumors. Especially since I started that one about the proctologist down the hall and his jar of mayo. Don't ask.

I still have the meeting on my calendar. I really do need the reminder. As for my computer, it still isn't working properly.

Peace Out.
=o)