Cooking Humans...

So. I'm pretty white. In fact I glow in the dark.

And since we're going to Cancun with the boys at the end of May, I'm in trouble. Skin as white as mine would shrivel up and die if suddenly exposed to large amounts of sun. So, after much discussion Manda convinced me to fake bake. Yes. I am now cooking myself in a human microwave.

I'd never "fake baked" before. I was nervous. The leather skinned lady that ran the tanning place (appropriately called "Jamaca Me Tan") gave us a brief tour and tutorial of how to work the microwave. The instructions were simple. Lay down, hit "start" on the machine, put your protective eye-wear on, lower the top, lay there for 12 minutes, turn over, then lay there for another 12 minutes. If you're still frozen in the center cook for another 3-5 minutes.

I was volunteered to go first. Of course this made sense since I had no clue what I was doing. I had to ask Manda a bunch of follow up questions before I felt comfortable heading out on my own. She was patient and only laughed at me a few times.

Do you ever wonder while you're getting naked in a strange place if you're going to see your blurred image on the news in 6 months after they discovered this company illegally taping people getting dressed/undressed? I may have wondered that.

So, I lay down, hit Start, lower the top and then realize I don't have my protective eye-wear on (called "Peepers"). Since I wasn't sure what would happen if I opened the top, I crawled through the opening in the bed by my head. Slithered is more like what I did. Once my peepers were on, I slithered back into the hole and got settled.

I was scared to touch the inside of the machine. I was afraid it would burn me. It was only when I had to turn over and I wacked my elbow on the top, that I realized there was nothing to be scared of. This was also about the time my peepers kept falling off. I couldn't keep them on. "You have to wear them at all times" kept running through my head. Well crap.

So every 30 seconds I had to fumble around and put them back over my eyes. These things were poorly designed.

So after I was done, it was Manda's turn. We had a brief conversation while leather lady "sanitized" the tanning bed for Manda. Here are the highlights of our conversation:

M: "how was it?"

L: "clausterphobic and hot"

M: " *laughs* your face is all freckles."

L: "thanks. i couldn't keep my peepers on."

M "did you use the elastic strap that comes with them?"

L: "what elastic strap?"

M: "*laughs* This one."

L: "oh. no. i didn't know that came with them."

M: " leather lady is bi-sexual."

L: "what?"

M: "okay, the bed's ready."

So, Manda runs off. No explanation of how she knows this lady is bi-sexual. No explanation as to why she felt it was important to share this information with me.

Now, it's me and leather lady staring at each other. I'm not sure what to say. She apparently wasn't shy and immediately started in on how she's married, but likes having girlfriends on the side. With her husbands approval. (she made sure to emphasize that part.) I didn't know what to say to this. All I kept saying was "oh really? that's neat." Thankfully, other customers showed up and I didn't have to talk much after that.

So far, I'm not a fan of the human microwave. I think I'll stop visiting it after Cancun.

Peace Out.

Lexus Shmexus...

So. Manda got a new car (A freaking suh-weet Camry Sport). After I put new tires on my car, she just had to one up me. That's fine. Two can play at this game.

We went down to the local Lexus dealership to check out the car I've been wetting myself over for the last year. Seriously, in my dreams, this car and I run in slow motion along the beach at sunset.

Apparently the dealership closes at 7pm, so the initial trip was spent simply perusing locked cars. Oh and gasping at the sticker prices. Seriously, they think highly of their cars.

The next day we again made our way down there. Only this time we made sure we arrived before the sun set.

Our sales guy was Bruce. He seemed nice enough. Initially. All smiles and full of optimism. I explained that I only wanted to test drive a car. Not going to buy anything. Bruce was confident he could make the sale. I told him he would have to make me a really stupid deal for me to buy and that wasn't going to happen. He informed me they were overstocked and sales were slow. He told me that he hadn't lost a sale yet.

It started out innocent enough. He wanted to figure out what my trade was worth. I didn't want to do this, I only wanted to test drive the stupid car, but now I was curious as to what kind of dumb deal he was going to offer. Stupid me, I handed my keys to the Lexus appraiser.

Without even appraising my car, he started to tell me my trade was worth a lot less than it actually is. I saw where he was going and tried to head him off. Really sir, if you're going to low-ball me on my trade, we can stop now. I just want to test drive the car. I was polite. Not rude or disrepectful. There just wasn't any point in wasting each other's time.

This is where the mood started to shift. The light-hearted gregarious sales man disappeared.

He claimed he couldn't have low-balled me on my car since he hadn't even made me an offer yet. Technically he hadn't made me an offer, but you don't have to be a genuis to figure out where he was going with the "your car is only really worth this..." lingo.

In hind-site, Manda and I should have left at this point, but we figured this guy couldn't possible keep up this attitude. Plus, I really wanted to test drive the damn car.

To try to redirect the conversation, I told him we didn't need to go over what my car was worth, I was only interested in the Lexus and would like to test drive it. Apparently this threw him off, because he then looked at me and said "what are you looking for from me?" Holy cow. Talk about male PMS'ing mood swings. Gee, let's review. You're a car salesman. And I have stated 87 times I would like to test drive this particular car.

I didn't say that to him. I saw no point in dropping to his level. Instead I told him: If I were to buy a car today, he'd have to sell it to me for 300-500 above invoice. This seemed to piss him off greatly. Not sure why. Apparently he doesn't like women who know what they want.

His reaction was to lean back in his chair, put his hands on his belly and say "Let's pretend you and I are buddies, and I'm going to educate you on how this car buying thing works."

Now that is a direct quote. I know this will be hard to believe, but it didn't sit well with me. I couldn't fathom the two of us being buddies. So I cut him off by telling him this isn't my first time buying car, and I was in fact well researched in the car I was looking to test drive.

He didn't believe me because he started quizzing me on used-car whole-sale values. (I thought I was looking for a new car?) Since I couldn't answer every question he had, he had the balls to look at me and say "if you were as well researched as you say you are, you would know all of this."

This is where I lost my cool.

After asking Bruce if he was going to have this attitude the entire time, he feigned innocence. He had no idea what attitude I was talking about.

This is where Manda lost her cool. Which if there is one of us you don't want "un-cool" it's Manda. Her southern-biotch is no fun. It's almost like a silent fart. You don't know its happened until its too late and you're nose deep in the smell of sh*t.

Manda, in her cute southern accent, informed the guy he was an arrogant bastard. Only she didn't say those words. It was more like "Bless your heart, I bet you're over-compensating for a small penis" (or something more poetic that).

When Manda was done with him, she handed his balls back to him and he immediately changed his tune. He apologized profusely even offering to get another salesman for us. I said no thanks I just wanted the keys to my car so I could go, but he went to get one anyways.

In short order, the manager of the dealership was standing in front of us, with a beet red Bruce cowering behind him. The manager did all things he was supposed to do. He even got the keys back for my car.

In the end, the manager of the dealership took us out for a test drive. He's good at his job, because I'd almost forgotten how mad I was. We received all kinds of free food/drinks etc. But none of it was enough to erase what happened.

I love the car more after test driving it, but I don't know that I'll ever buy one now. I may just continue to own one in my dreams.

Oh and Bruce. You bastard. You finally lost a sale.

Peace Out.=o)